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what a beautiful dysphoria

by CILC

supported by
ashley307
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ashley307 this album shows off CILCs creativity with their inflection, and structure of their music. killed it on this EP Favorite track: STEMODIA.
Samantha (follow me on twitter)
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Samantha (follow me on twitter) <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
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  • Compact Disc (CD) + Digital Album

    only 23 made
    includes exclusive bonus track + art book/lyric sheet

    I am shipping these myself, so they may ship after or before jan, I have not done this before

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1.
ilovemyface 00:04
2.
STEMODIA 02:07
gave u my blood u gave me your demons we weren’t in love you left me there bleeding thought u were a poor soul but u lacked control all this is getting old memories starting to fold feels like an eclipse break a heart real quick realized u ain’t shit wonder if u still care wonder if ur still there i can’t live like this i swear i need my fix my head is split in two this half is missing u but i don’t wanna kneel no more my heart is on the floor submitting and quitting and loving a lie aquitting and giving u all of my time said i’m not enough always thinking 2 much never giving a fuck if i’m loosing love needa change myself need better health fuck wealth i’m not well i gotta improve ignore the rules fuck the ruse i’m breaking thru i’m gonna rise flames in my eyes i think it’s time take back what’s mine oh my god the second i feel like me they tell me i should stop u want me to change me u want me to feel so blue u want me to keep telling me that i’m just like. u i got my mind on the white noise i’m finding comfort inside the void eternal darkness i’m overjoyed i heard ur tape and i did not enjoy capping i’m capping like justin laboy capping i’m capping like justin laboy
3.
PRONOUN!!! 02:30
shut the heck your mouth i got the perfume on boy i feel beautiful i do not wanna end up in a cubicle i wanna do with my life something musical they need to realize my dreams are not juvenile i am not curious i am bifurious i hope u hearing this bitch i am serious i am an artist and ill go the hardest i know where my heart is so lets get it started man i swear to god its getting hard as fuck to keep this facade they think i got a disease they hate it when im me think im the antichrist wanna villanize u better burn me u better hurry or i might get human rights thats a bad sight everybody out here getting on my bad side everybody out here think that im the bad guy cause im pretty as fuck and u pissed as fuck failed the audition for my gender roles suck a genital if u gonna be a bigot u gon make me break my limit u gon make me get explicit like giving u the digits i dont care if u dont get it get the fuck up out my mentions yall so ignorant u the ony mfs not gettin it always crying bout free speech and shit when i open my mouth u getting pissed i dont really like u i dont wanna fight u i dont wanna try 2 explain what i might do trapped inside my mind only feel alive in the dark of the night i just need some time to reset my life cause its me i dont like so i stay out of sight i was up at late nights always having late fights tryna do what was right tryna fuckin see the light
4.
OFFICER J 03:02
this clockwork like hugo don’t give a fuck where u go was never good at judo but now i’ve hit a new low throw it down cause the beat just pounds and i hear the sounds when i hit the ground e gadd bitches on some fads hadda ghost my ass cause i wear that mask fuck the fame 2 weird 4 the game tryna get acclaim or an end to the pain but i’m sick of barley dropping i’m sick of getting boxed in i’m sick of no profit i’m sick of being off it i’m done feels like most of my freindships are fake shit makeshift leave me all alone when the weight hits but is it my fault got no1 2 consult love i try to construct keeps just getting brushed off they said i’m saying way way too much but we always loose touch hell i been thru such but it still hurts sick of putting effort in this for ppl who don’t give shits if i’m even living i just needa focus on myself if i get a boy/girlfreind would the pain even end i just needa focus on myself take my pills write my feels say what’s real i don’t wanna go and kneel i fucking hate this so anxious yet nameless and faceless whenever i try to speak feeling hella fucking week why do they keep leaving me why they never see me bleed i dont think that i can breathe when im begging on my knees man i’d rather pray then be down over an 8 ball my fame calls i gotta rap be famous shit i might play ball just so im out of reach when motherfucking hate calls they got my mans locked up yo shit that’s more than 8 bars and they say they never freeing him her or my mime which is why i always seem so fucking down a stide i say i’m a hustle n**** i could never stay inside i’d rather stay with real ppl who gon stay right by my side
5.
mindfullness 00:42
6.
GRAVEPILLED 02:49
rage up in my pocket they told me i should stop it i didn’t have the option was always tripping off it got bad shit on my conscience this shit make u unconscious said it sound like nonse but then they go and bump it said she’d date me but i like boys too bi i don’t fuck with all of that noise goodbye i ain’t a fence sitter bitch i break it down i ain’t sonic bruh i don’t run around catch me in your town u can’t miss me either look depressed or so pretty and these people say they dont get me i dont care bitch u aint with me i said rage up in my pocket my checks are fat robotnik you know u cannot stop it there is no other option bitch i’m gravepilled better call the coroner i stay ill rappers going missing in the day still they want me to stay still? bitch i won’t lie in my grave no no i’m staying awake dont give a fuck what u say cause i am dead anyway hey i know u tryna stop me all dressed up like a clown pagliacci ouu and you mad as fuck so u harass on the internet but its okay ur anonymous till someone leaks ur address keep doing what you doing you gon end up truant stay safe calm down no need to start shooting goddamn i rose up from out the grave i rose my throat cut the ace of spades all folds i rose up from out the grave i rose i like being in a state where i can’t feel my face i been getting 2 a place where i can’t take this pain i been going down a road rage is coursing through my veins i hate feeling this way feel like im going insane i’m a train off the tracks boy i think i’ve fucking lost it run away come run my fade better run away don’t overthink in a straight jacket i just made it out of alcatraz don’t give me guns or no drugs i’ll go off and spazz
7.
skinandwater 04:59
i hate my fucking body looking in the mirror always feel so oddly i feel a disconnect when humans talking headphones music and i start walking just thinking to myself everytime i understand it back to where i couldn’t grasp it what’s a moth to a flame what’s a card to a game what’s a heart to a brain what if i go insane why am i in pain with no killers lately every day just feels like filler i don’t wanna talk to u it’s getting way too hard 2 prove that i am who i say i am i didnt wanna say it man im scared of getting hate crimed so i stay inside holding on the moment tryna keep going why do these thigh highs only go up to my knees why are these chokers so tight i cannot breathe i just wanna be pretty i just wanna be cute i wanna be in a dress they want me in a suit i feel so away from home even when i’m there i wanna go never had no hand to hold stuck in the moment tryna keep going bitches do not get it bitches never with it saying they support you but they never listen i say he/she/they they hear a third of what i say never giving me a break i give they take it ain’t politics if our lives are at stake ain’t no disagreement when rights go away terrified that they gonna wipe us away hard to be myself when i know it ain’t safe they want me dead on the street they want me stroke in the heat bitch i do not feel safe on my own 2 feet bitch stop assuming my gender stop assuming my gender made that shit a meme and turn my pain into your pleasure then you fuel ur agenda making up trans trenders calling me a perv what bout those fucking nudes u sent her she ain’t ask for that shit when you gonna get it i just need to let it breathe i need someone to tell me that it’s gonna be okay i make art hope it makes me feel a lil better i’ll restart i ain’t ever wanna upset ya i depart quest hoping i could find treasure i need heart cause im stuck in the fuckin desert i’m a little bit better now but this place is a little loud could we please just go somewhere else can we just talk alone by ourselves things get a little better then they get worse but that’s life up and downs that’s the damn curse i’ve been tryna learn to put myself first tryna give me love that i deserve so that when i look in the mirror i see me it’ll happen eventually
8.

about

push me to the edge of existence, for this is truly a beautiful dysphoria

credits

released November 6, 2021

stemodia produced by toad & b the leo
pronoun & officer j produced by evan sanchez
gravepilled produced by soulcraft
skinandwater produced by greenwood cnr

remaining tracks produced by CILC
additional production, mixing and mastering by CILC
recorded in “the closet” studios
all artwork & album promo by CILC

additional vocals by love, becca, yrnm, & doomslayer

Dreams die slow, 2021

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CILC Chicago, Illinois

push me to the edge of existence

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